6. Lateral violence

I learned about lateral violence in the early 2000s. I had been witness to lateral violence since beginning my career, but I didn’t have the words or language to describe what was happening in the communities where I worked. Lateral violence is defined as “Unlike workplace bullying, lateral violence differs in that Aboriginal people are now abusing their own people in similar ways that they have been abused. It is a cycle of abuse and its roots lie in factors such as: colonisation, oppression, intergenerational trauma and the ongoing experiences of racism and discrimination.” by Native Women’s Association of Canada in 2011.

My late father-in-law, Hilliard McNab, was the Chief of Gordons First Nation for over 25 years. I overheard him telling the Crabs in the Bucket story to visitors, and I was always ashamed of that. The Crabs in the Bucket story goes something like this: Two people are walking along a beach, and there is a bucket laying on its side. It is full of crabs. One person says to the other, ‘why don’t those crabs just crawl out?’ The other responds, ‘as soon as one gets close to the top, the others pull it back it.’ This is an example of lateral violence. If a person is moving ahead or getting ahead, there are plenty waiting to pull them back down.

One time I went out to Yellowquill and someone asked me if I had driven by the Chief’s house? I said that I had but I didn’t notice anything. So, when I drove by again, I seen in the field next to his house littered with carcasses. Someone had shot all his cattle, chickens, and other livestock that he had. A former CHR told me that she always used to plant a garden, but that kids/people would come and pull everything out, so she quit trying to have a garden. One of the bus drivers told me that she had done her laundry and had sheets and towels hanging on the line outside. Someone came and stole all her laundry.

All the reserves that I worked on during my career, people talked about gossip. There was always gossip on the reserve about someone! Gossip is also lateral violence. I was always eager for gossip, and liked listening to whatever was being said. I think it was linked to my desperate need to belong, to fit in. If I was being told gossip, it made me feel like someone trusted me and accepted me to share the ‘dirt’ on whatever was going on. Who was splitting up, who was having an affair, who made some money improperly, who took advantage of who; there was always some juicy gossip going around.

Part of my own healing journey has been to avoid gossip, or the very least, to ignore it when it came around. I had to learn what my own ‘business’ was, and pay attention to my own business. I came to realize that if I had a full life, that I didn’t have time to poke my nose into other people’s business. I was fortunate, as my husband was not a gossip. I would hear something on the reserve, and I would go home and tell him what I heard. And he would say that he had heard that long ago, or that he knew what I was saying already. I would ask him why he didn’t tell me. He would say that it wasn’t my business! When I thought about it, it was absolutely true; it was none of my business!

Lateral violence is terrible, and is a behaviour that needs to be checked and not engaged in, if possible. When people feel powerless, from lack of input into goals of the community or dysfunction in the family or family violence or oversight by government; they lash out. But instead of lashing out against the government or ‘the man (representing any authority)’, people will lash out against each other. The behaviours can be jealousy, resentment, anger, disagreements, arguments, put-downs, even negative body language like glaring at others and withdrawing from others, and wishing ill on others or bad luck.

One of the lessons that I had to learn along my own healing journey was that there is enough for everyone! Abundance rather than scarcity is my philosophy. So, if someone gets a new house or a new vehicle or something more than I have; I am happy for them. I am not jealous or angry or belittling them for their opportunity. I also am not competitive, which I was for many years. I don’t need to compete with anyone.

Of course, maybe this is easier for me because I have had a career since I was 20, and I have earned significant money, and been able to buy what I wanted mostly when I wanted. I have had privilege that other Métis and First Nations have not had. I also realized that it’s not all about ‘stuff’. I’m not a person that needs status symbols, like the fanciest house or the biggest/best vehicle. I want a ‘home’ not a model house and I need a vehicle that is reliable and gets me where I’m going.

The feeling inside when we are participating in lateral violence is terrible. It’s like a rock or hard prickly substance in the belly and it starts turning around when we are looking at others and having terrible thoughts about them. We label others, they are liars, they are lazy, they are not trustworthy, they are cheats, remember what they did to me/others long ago, they’re not living right, they are ‘users’ who take advantage of others, the list goes on and on.

I used to watch soaps on TV, starting with The Edge of Night when I was a teen, and then I moved onto Another World. Soap operas are one big bowl of gossip! And I loved that world of fancy dresses and parties when my life was small and unimportant. It was an excellent escape from drudgery. When I would do home visits on the reserve, I had to time it between the soaps or people would not talk to me. Or I would sit and watch the soaps with them, and do my visit during the advertisements!